I'm the Living Proof

I watched The Help again tonight for about the tenth time.  I really do like that movie.  I won't get into all the "stuff" here (not to trivialize it...it was a dark time in our nation's history, but that's not what this post is about).  I want to talk about the end credits song "The Living Proof" by Mary J. Blige.  Or, that's the jumping off point anyway.  The first time I heard that song it really struck a chord with me.  Now, I know it was written for the movie and I guess it is supposed to be from the point of view of the oppressed blacks in the 60's especially in Mississippi.  But it has an entirely different meaning for me.

Before I go any further, I need to give some background.  I have really been struggling lately.  My depression has been very bad the last week or so.  I have "up" times and "down" times and some are worse than others.  This has been a particularly bad down time.  Not the worst ever, but not giggles and grins by any means. If you have never dealt with depression, then you really can't understand the overwhelming darkness you can sometimes face.  I know people think you should just be able to "get over it" and sometimes, you kind of can.  But when it's a chemical misfiring in your brain, there isn't much you can do about that except hold on through the ride.  I think this is why I don't like roller coasters...I deal with an emotional one enough that I don't need to have a physical one too!  But anyway, I have tried to explain to people in the past what it feels like.  I don't know that they got it.  But tonight, I saw something a friend posted that makes some sense.  It was written for someone that has pulmonary hypertension.  The feelings expressed though, are so similar to what I feel on an almost daily basis.  I hope she won't mind me sharing it here:

I'm Fighting  by Mary Westberg

I'm Fighting to live
I'm fighting to breathe
I'm fighting each day
To find some relief.

I'm fighting for strength
I'm fighting for breath
I'm fighting for cures
To keep me from death.

I'm fighting my heart
I'm fighting my lungs
I'm fighting to feel
As if I was young.

I'm fighting to fight
It's all that I know
My life's worth the fight
Blow after Blow.

This is seriously how 29 out of 30 days feel for me.  Most people count their bad days, I count my good days.  And most of you have no idea the depth of the hurt and pain I have to carry around every day.  Every Day.  But that's kind of the point.  I think of it as a symptom of my disease...you aren't really supposed to know just how bad it is.  But sometimes, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, much less do anything more than the absolute minimum that is required of me to get through each day.  So when I am ill, or if I snap at you, or I don't want to do anything, it's not because I don't like you or I don't want to be around you or go do things with you.  It's very often because I can't.  I have used up all of my energy just to exist...anything more is too much. And this brings me back to Mary J. Blige and "The Living Proof".  This song gives me hope.  Because I do feel like life has been a hard journey and an uphill climb, but I am still here.  I am the Living Proof.  The living proof that life does go on.  It may not always be what we want or hope for, and some days it's just flat out hard to survive.  And as the song says, "So many don't survive, they just don't make it through".  I have been extremely close to falling off of that edge.  I have been suicidal.  And to be honest, those thoughts are never far from my mind.  I even made a plan once.  But I made a promise to my Mom and my sister that I would never do that.  That promise has saved me, more than once. That and my nieces and nephews.  I want to continue to fight for them.  For all the people in my life that mean so much to me.  The song lyrics are below:

The Living Proof     Mary J. Blige  From The Help

It’s gonna be a long, long journey,

It’s gonna be an up hill climb

It’s gonna be a tough fight,

There’s gonna be some lonely nights

But I’m ready, to carry on.

I’m so glad the worst is over (‘Cause it almost took me out)

I can start living now

Ohh I feel like I can do anything

And finally, I’m not afraid to breathe.

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, Lord, I’m the living proof.

Thinkin’ back life's been painful, yes it was

Took a while to learn how to smile

So now I’m gonna talk to my people

About the storm, oh about the storm

So glad the worst is over (‘Cause it’s all beneath me now)

I can start flyin’ now

My best days are right in front of me

And I’m almost there ‘cause now I’m free

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

I know where I’m going

‘Cause I know where I’ve been

I’m gonna be strong and show it

I must be strong and keep growin’

That’s the way that I win

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So Many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

Nothing ‘bout my life’s been easy

But nothings gonna keep me down

‘cause I know a lot more today

Than I knew yesterday

So I’m ready to carry on

I'm ready to carry on.  Because sometimes that is all I can do...just carry on.  One foot in front of the other. Or sometimes, hand over hand as I crawl, fight and claw my way through the days. Because I am determined, no matter how bad it gets, life will not beat me.  I have a future to look forward to.  I have a home waiting for me in Heaven.  And oh, there are days when I so wish I were already there, but I know my journey here isn't finished yet.  I don't know what I'm doing right now, or where I am supposed to be.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the wilderness, but I know...I KNOW...I will get where I am supposed to be.  Maybe I am only making tracks for others to follow.  Maybe I will someday help others to get out of the wilderness.  I don't know.  But He does.  And I guess, in the end,  that's all that really matters.

So when you see me, and you ask me how I am, just remember...I'm still here, and I'm the Living Proof.

The Leader of The Band

I love Dan Fogelberg's music. (Or as Opus so wonderfully said about him when he found out his girlfriend had a tattoo of his face..."Dan Fogelburb?")  I have always had a soft spot for his soft rock tunes. I have to admit, I only discovered the song "Netherlands" a few years ago when I purchased a "Best Of" CD.  I love it.  Absolutely adore it!  It feels like he was writing about me when he wrote that song.  But I will always have such amazingly fond memories of "Run for the Roses", "Same Old Lang Syne" and of course, "Longer".  If I ever get married, I want "Longer" to be in my wedding in some fashion.  Yes, I grew up on his music and it is such a part of me and the tapestry of my life. All these years later his music still has the power to move me. But the song that probably means the most to me, and has become such a poignant song in the last few years is "Leader of The Band".  While it isn't exactly like my Father's life, there are certain verses that so make me think of Daddy...

The leader of the Band is tired and his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band.

I thank you for the music and your stories of the road
Thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go
I thank you for your kindness and the times when you got tough
But Papa I don't think I said I love you near enough.

I have always liked this song, even before I really understood what it was all about. As I got older, and I came to realize just how much like my Daddy I was, it really had a deeper meaning to me.  No, my dad wasn't a working musician, but he did love music.  He was always whistling or singing snippits of songs or making up his own songs.  I guess I was destined to love music because both sides of my family are musically inclined, but I know his love of music was a big influence on me. So he was the leader of our "band".  And his blood does run though me, though my voice, though my heart and soul...my instrument.  One of the greatest compliments I have ever received was when my Grannie (daddy's Mom) looked at me and said, "Your eyes look just like Junior's".  I do have his eyes.  I have so much of him.  Maybe that's why the past 2 years have been so hard.  I miss him so much more than I ever thought possible.  And as we approach the anniversary of his death, this year is even so much harder than last year was.  Maybe because I haven't really dealt with his death.  I grieved, but I don't know that I have ever really dealt with all of my feelings and emotions.  I am going to start working on that soon.  So, even though I miss the leader of our band, I know he wouldn't want me to continue the way I have been.  I know he would want me to move on and remember the good times and appreciate all the great memories.  And I hope I told him enough just how much I loved him. And still do.  And I KNOW I will see him again one day.  But I miss him every day.  But as the song said, "My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band."  I want him to be proud of me.  I want to live up to his legacy.

I've never been a blue calm sea...

...I've always been a storm.  (Fleetwood Mac)

Sometimes I feel like the storm in my head is going to swamp me.  I wonder if I am ever going to be calm.  Outwardly, everything seems to be fine, like I have no worries or cares and can handle anything.  Inside...the storm blows.  Some days it's only a slight rain shower.  Many days it's a severe thunderstorm.  And then there are those days like today when its a Category 5 hurricane.  I wonder what I look like to people on those days.  Can anyone tell the inner turmoil I am experiencing?  Do I hide it well enough? Does the stress show.  If so, why doesn't anyone try to help?  Can't you hear me screaming??  How can you not?

This is the official "K & C" Automobile...if I ever find it, it will be mine!

Reqrets...I've got a few

I have realized that I should not watch things like the Phantom Of The Opera and Les Miserables 25th anniversary events because they always make me realize just how much I REGRET NOT following my dream to sing on Broadway.  Yes, I wanted to do musical theater.  Big, Bold musical theater (gee, like Phantom and Les Mis.)  I look back at the last 25 years and really wish I could go back in time and talk to the younger me and tell me not to be so damn afraid!!  Because I have lived so very much of my life afraid.  I wanted so many things that now, at 43 seem like they will forever be out of my reach.  I mean, anything is possible, but what are the chances, really, that I would ever get to play Cosette or Eponine or Christine?  Or any other leading female role?  (Well, in all honesty, Christine would always be a stretch because of the operatic nature of that role, but still, I would have loved it!)  And I realize now, that if I don't change, then I will live and die as I am now...alone, lonely, scared and longing for something more.  My heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest and I keep crying off and on because I don't know HOW to change to get to where I have always, desperately, wanted to be.  And if that is supposed to be what I do even.  I want so many things, yet I don't know what I am supposed to do.  Shouldn't I have that figured out by now and be actually doing it?  If customer service is my calling in life, then I should just give up now.  Because if I spend the rest of my life where I am at now, then well, really, I am already dead.  And I DON"T WANT TO BE DEAD!!  I want to live, with at least a little of what I have always wanted...a career I love, a husband and family that I love and that love me and I can give my life to, and HAPPINESS!!!  Is that so much to ask?  Am I being unrealistic?  People do it every day...so what can't I?  Why shouldn't I?  And why can't I hold on to this.....feeling...this passion...that is burning through my veins right now?  Why does life get in the way every time?  Why do I let it?  How do I keep it and use it to propel me to where I truly want to be?  What do I do now?  What do I do?  And how? 

Next time I say I want to watch Phantom or Les Mis, someone stop me.  Or buy me a ticket to New York or London!!

Adventurers...Out of Diesel

I was leaving Wal-Mart the other day and saw, from a distance, 3 people (and a dog) that I thought were possibly homeless or just hungry.  I got the twinge I always get when I see someone begging (especially when they have an animal with them) and I turned around in the parking lot so I could go out by them to give them some money.  (Please know, I do not always do this.  Sometimes I do, but a lot of the time I don't have cash or I don't make a point of going out of my way to take any money to them.)  Anyway, as I got close to them, I could see it was two guys and a girl (and the dog).  They were young, maybe early twenties.  The girl was holding a sign the simply said "Adventurers...Out of Diesel".  I handed them a few dollars and drove on, but something about that sign tugged at my soul.  Adventurers, out of diesel.  Adventurers.  I think it was that word that got to me.  That and the fact that they were honest about why they needed money.  They were driving an old school bus that had been spray painted with slogans and signs that probably made sense to them.  I have to confess, I wanted to go back and ask if I could join them.  I wanted to know where they were going, where they had been and what they hoped to find along the way.  I wanted to take them to eat and spend some time getting to know them.  I did none of that.  I just drove on home, talking to myself the whole way.  But ever since then, I have been so restless inside.  They reminded me of the person I once was.  No, I never took of in an old school bus and begged for money to get gas to power my adventures, but I would have if someone had asked me to.  Long before I had "responsibilities".  Long before I became mired in the muck of every day.  Before life got in the way.  I know I don't have children to support or a mortgage to pay, but my responsibilities do keep me tethered.  I long to cut those tethers and go.  Buy an old RV and pack what I need and my kitty cats and go.  I said, after my Daddy died, knowing all of the things he want to do but never got to do that I would have no excuses anymore.  If I wanted to go do something, I was going to go do it.  But, I find myself making more excuses and sinking deeper into my rut than ever.   I long to be that free.  To not have stuff to worry about, be able to pick up and go whenever and wherever, to be free.  I wonder if I will ever make it?

Several years ago I read received an email from a couple of different people.  I don't know how much of the story is true and how much of it was just made up, but it had a similar effect on me.  The gist of this email was a man saw what looked like a homeless man, but it turned out that he had chosen to travel from place to place, with only what he could carry in his backpack and depending strictly on the kindness of strangers.  He was doing this with a purpose though.  He was spreading the gospel as he went.  He was literally following Matthew 6:25-34.  He was trusting God to take care of all of his needs...shelter, clothing, food...everything.  I wish I had that much Faith.  Heck, not just Faith, but trust.  I guess I don't trust God to really take care of me that way.  I want to, but as the saying goes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  One day, I am probably going to regret NOT taking a such a leap.  And, honestly, God has never told me to leave everything I own and set out with just a few things in a pack and tell everyone I meet about Him.  But He has told me to tell others about Him, and lately, I haven't even been doing that. And sometimes I wonder if He hasn't told me to go.  Maybe not to that extreme, but to go.  Visit other churches, go out into the less traveled places and tell people.  Actually, I know that He has told me that.  He has told all of us that claim to know Him that we are to go and tell.  I used to.  Again, I let life get in the way.  I have been so wrapped up in me and my hurt and my pain that I haven't been able to see past the end of my nose.  I want to change that.  I intend to try to change that.  And I know it is not through my power that it will change, but strictly through His.  So if I come to mind, please pray.  Hopefully it will mean I am in the process of changing.

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot...

...but sometimes I wish for more, than I've got...What about me??

That's a line from the song "What About Me" from the late 80's by the band Moving Pictures.  I have always loved that song.  I guess because in so many ways it fits me.  I really like this stanza in particular:

Now were standing on the corner of a world gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got

What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share.
Can't you see, I wanna live
But you just take more than you give.

And the 'you' in that line is life, in my opinion.  I know, I have it really good compared to many people.  But man I am so ready for my turn.  I took a personality test yesterday on some website I was on (I can't even remember which one it was now) and it told me that my personality type was "The Performer".  The description said that "you crave the spotlight".  I never really thought of myself that way, but the more I have thought about that particular phrase, the more I think maybe, in a way, that is true. I do want to be the center of attention...SOMEONE'S ATTENTION. I don't need to be the center of attention all the time.  I have never tried to be "the life of the party".  But I have always craved being someone's center.  I have never felt special.  If my Mom or anyone else in my family reads this, they will probably think I am crazy, but I haven't.  I want someone to look at me like I mean the world to them.  Let me re-phrase that, I want a man, the right man, the man God has planned for me, to look at me like I am...it.  The end all be all.  Like I hung the moon.  And before you burn up the message boards with comments, I KNOW I have to love myself, and not depend on a man to make me happy.  That's not what I'm saying.  But just once, I want to feel like whether I live or die matters to someone outside of my family.  Like I matter.  Because so much of the time I don't feel like I do.  And I know that I do matter to Jesus.  I know HE chose to die for me because I do matter so much to Him.  But as the saying goes:  I'd like to have Jesus with some skin on.  I am tired of being alone.  Tired of wanting that other half to come along.  Just tired.  Not physically.  Mentally, emotionally...so very tired of fighting.  And I do feel like every day is a fight and always has been.  Some of you know this about me, some of you don't, but I have dealt with depression all of my life.  I remember being six years old and knowing something about the way I felt just wasn't right.  I am always a little sad.  There is just a pervasive mood of sadness in my life.  I can be happy and feel joy, but the sadness never completely goes away.  I have learned recently that this is called "atypical depression".  And it is more common than the name suggests.  So the constant fight to just get up and go is getting very draining.  I would like to have a "haven of rest, a safe place to land, a shelter from the storm...yada, yada, yada..."  I know...the whiny children have taken over the playground again.  Can't ever keep 'em away for too long.  Anyway...as I said, "the performer".  I have been hiding the depths of my depression pretty well from most people for most of my life.  Maybe that is why I like the comedy/tragedy masks so much...on the outside I try to smile, but inside I am often crying.  I know, it's so cliche...but cliche's are cliche's for a reason.

Not real sure why I included all of that about the depression.  It's just a lot harder to pretend everything is OK and put on that happy face when it's worse.  And it is worse today.  Some times it's just there and I can keep it in the background, some times I can't.  That's when the whiny children take over.  You would think that after 40+ years of this I would be better at controlling it, huh?  The strange thing is, I think I dealt with it better when I was younger.  Maybe it's just wearing me down.  Or maybe I am just tired of fighting and let it take over more often.  I don't know.  Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a significant other in my life...they probably would have gotten so tired of me by now that they would have left anyway!

OK, enough of the pity...I shall go pout in the corner alone and let you good people be! 

Just in case you were wondering...

...why in the world I call this Kitty Cats and Crucifixes, well, the credit goes to the wonderful writers of the fantastic show Mike & Molly.  I absolutely adore that show!  And I aspire to be Melissa McCarthy when I grow up!  Anyway, in the 3rd or 4th episode, Mike did something boneheaded and Molly was all grumpy about it and was hinting that they wouldn't be going out anymore.  Her Mom and Sister said they had to get her a man "before she fills this house with kitty cats and crucifixes".  Now, if you know me, you know I have 4 indoor cats and a number of outside cats that vary with the seasons.  I love cats.  I have cat calendars (more than one) and pictures of cats and even a stuffed Ty cat that looks like my Leo.  Someone even asked me not long ago (when they found out I am considering a tattoo) if it would be of a cat. I am a crazy cat lady and I admit it proudly.  What some of you (most of you) probably don't know is, I collect crosses.  It started many years ago at a Christmas ornament exchange party.  I wound up with the most beautiful ornament that was a cross made out of capiz shell painted to look like stained glass.  It has a manger scene on it.  Ever since then, I have been buying cross ornaments every year at Christmas, and now it has branched out to not just ornaments, but free standing crosses and picture frames.  My Mom got me a beautiful stained glass lamp in the shape of a cross for my birthday a couple of years ago.  (I love stained glass also.)  At last count I have about 40 crosses.  So, seeing as I am a single woman, with no boyfriend, and I have kitty cats and lots of crucifixes, that whole scene just seemed to fit.  I really hope Chuck Lorre doesn't mind that I borrowed the phrase.

And in the light of day....

OK, in the light of day, last night's demons don't seem so big.  Isn't that always the way?  I don't take back anything I said, because I do believe everything I wrote.  I just usually manage to keep the door closed on that particular closet. And I certainly don't let those thoughts out.  But my sadness overtook my reason last night and the whiny children took over the playground.  So anyway....

This morning things look much brighter for some reason.  Don't really know why, unless someone out there is praying for me.  There is a song by Chris Rice that I just love called "Smelling Coffee".  I don't drink coffee, but I do like to smell good coffee brewing.  (Sorry, beside the point.)  Anyway, verse number 2 especially appeals to me:

I remember reading Your the God who never sleeps
While I've been dreaming You've been singing over me, yeah
Singing about my freedom, waking me up to hear Your song
Now I can't dance hard enough, 'cause yesterday is gone, gone, gone!

I'm smelling coffee, birds are singing just outside
Here comes Your Mercy, streaming in with the morning light
My heart's racing, waking up to Your Smile
It's a good morning, yeah, yeah, yeah.  Good Morning.

I have always loved Zephaniah 3:17:  "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will REJOICE OVER YOU WITH SINGING." (NIV version, accent obviously mine.)  Now, anyone who knows me knows that singing is like breathing to me, so the thought that God sings over me...ME...blows my mind.  Especially since I know me.  I can't believe that He would take great delight in me, quiet me with His love and REJOICE over ME with singing!!!   WOW!!!!!!!  (Me chief of sinners...and he still does all that!) So you can see why I love this song.  Not just because it's so happy and upbeat but it has such a good message.  So anyway, today is better.  Not great, because the whiny children are still hanging around, but it is better.  And that song always makes me smile regardless of my mood.  Plus, you can't argue with the Word!!  Have a Blessed Day...and remember.. He sings over YOU!!!

I am a single woman

As a single woman, I have come to realize a few things.  What I am about to post does not apply to every single woman of course, but here are some things I have been thinking about lately.  In today's economy, in the industry I work in and the job I do, I will never make enough money to own my own house.  I cannot presently afford to live on my own and have a new car at the same time. Heck, right now I can't afford to live on my own, never mind the new car. I will never be able to quit work and just stay home. I will probably never hear a child call me Mommy, or a husband call me sweetheart.  I don't have anyone to go to sleep with, and no I do not mean sex.  I mean someone to snuggle with, or complain to that they snore, or someone to wake up with in the morning.  I do not have someone to share all the responsibilities of life with.  And before some well meaning person points out that "hey, at least you can come and go as you please without having to report to anyone", that is not true.  I live with my Mother, so yes I have to call and tell her if I won't be home right away or if I want to go away for the weekend.  Also, I do have to share the remote.  She has her show and I have mine, so most of the time I am in my room and she is in the living room.  And no, my cats are not human children, but I still have responsibilities to them and have to make sure they are fed and taken care of.  And they do not have welfare for pets.  I average $700 a year just for cat food alone, never mind if one gets bitten by a spider and has to go to the vet like Leo did this summer.  I do not qualify for ANY form of government help.  I am a single white woman over the age of 40 who has no children.  I am a minority, yet that gets me nothing.  So, think about this next time you are tempted to say you wish you were still single or wished you had never gotten married or had children: there is a woman out here who would give everything to have what you take for granted.  A woman who would love to be woken up at 3:00 in the morning by her child for any reason.  A woman who would love to get ill at her husband because he didn't take the trash out or forgot to put the toilet seat down again or whatever 'boneheaded' thing he did now.  And remember that the only thing that woman ever wanted to be was a wife and mother.  Since kindergarten.  Just a wife and mother.  And think about how bad her heart is breaking tonight.