Reqrets...I've got a few

I have realized that I should not watch things like the Phantom Of The Opera and Les Miserables 25th anniversary events because they always make me realize just how much I REGRET NOT following my dream to sing on Broadway.  Yes, I wanted to do musical theater.  Big, Bold musical theater (gee, like Phantom and Les Mis.)  I look back at the last 25 years and really wish I could go back in time and talk to the younger me and tell me not to be so damn afraid!!  Because I have lived so very much of my life afraid.  I wanted so many things that now, at 43 seem like they will forever be out of my reach.  I mean, anything is possible, but what are the chances, really, that I would ever get to play Cosette or Eponine or Christine?  Or any other leading female role?  (Well, in all honesty, Christine would always be a stretch because of the operatic nature of that role, but still, I would have loved it!)  And I realize now, that if I don't change, then I will live and die as I am now...alone, lonely, scared and longing for something more.  My heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest and I keep crying off and on because I don't know HOW to change to get to where I have always, desperately, wanted to be.  And if that is supposed to be what I do even.  I want so many things, yet I don't know what I am supposed to do.  Shouldn't I have that figured out by now and be actually doing it?  If customer service is my calling in life, then I should just give up now.  Because if I spend the rest of my life where I am at now, then well, really, I am already dead.  And I DON"T WANT TO BE DEAD!!  I want to live, with at least a little of what I have always wanted...a career I love, a husband and family that I love and that love me and I can give my life to, and HAPPINESS!!!  Is that so much to ask?  Am I being unrealistic?  People do it every day...so what can't I?  Why shouldn't I?  And why can't I hold on to this.....feeling...this passion...that is burning through my veins right now?  Why does life get in the way every time?  Why do I let it?  How do I keep it and use it to propel me to where I truly want to be?  What do I do now?  What do I do?  And how? 

Next time I say I want to watch Phantom or Les Mis, someone stop me.  Or buy me a ticket to New York or London!!