I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot...

...but sometimes I wish for more, than I've got...What about me??

That's a line from the song "What About Me" from the late 80's by the band Moving Pictures.  I have always loved that song.  I guess because in so many ways it fits me.  I really like this stanza in particular:

Now were standing on the corner of a world gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got

What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share.
Can't you see, I wanna live
But you just take more than you give.

And the 'you' in that line is life, in my opinion.  I know, I have it really good compared to many people.  But man I am so ready for my turn.  I took a personality test yesterday on some website I was on (I can't even remember which one it was now) and it told me that my personality type was "The Performer".  The description said that "you crave the spotlight".  I never really thought of myself that way, but the more I have thought about that particular phrase, the more I think maybe, in a way, that is true. I do want to be the center of attention...SOMEONE'S ATTENTION. I don't need to be the center of attention all the time.  I have never tried to be "the life of the party".  But I have always craved being someone's center.  I have never felt special.  If my Mom or anyone else in my family reads this, they will probably think I am crazy, but I haven't.  I want someone to look at me like I mean the world to them.  Let me re-phrase that, I want a man, the right man, the man God has planned for me, to look at me like I am...it.  The end all be all.  Like I hung the moon.  And before you burn up the message boards with comments, I KNOW I have to love myself, and not depend on a man to make me happy.  That's not what I'm saying.  But just once, I want to feel like whether I live or die matters to someone outside of my family.  Like I matter.  Because so much of the time I don't feel like I do.  And I know that I do matter to Jesus.  I know HE chose to die for me because I do matter so much to Him.  But as the saying goes:  I'd like to have Jesus with some skin on.  I am tired of being alone.  Tired of wanting that other half to come along.  Just tired.  Not physically.  Mentally, emotionally...so very tired of fighting.  And I do feel like every day is a fight and always has been.  Some of you know this about me, some of you don't, but I have dealt with depression all of my life.  I remember being six years old and knowing something about the way I felt just wasn't right.  I am always a little sad.  There is just a pervasive mood of sadness in my life.  I can be happy and feel joy, but the sadness never completely goes away.  I have learned recently that this is called "atypical depression".  And it is more common than the name suggests.  So the constant fight to just get up and go is getting very draining.  I would like to have a "haven of rest, a safe place to land, a shelter from the storm...yada, yada, yada..."  I know...the whiny children have taken over the playground again.  Can't ever keep 'em away for too long.  Anyway...as I said, "the performer".  I have been hiding the depths of my depression pretty well from most people for most of my life.  Maybe that is why I like the comedy/tragedy masks so much...on the outside I try to smile, but inside I am often crying.  I know, it's so cliche...but cliche's are cliche's for a reason.

Not real sure why I included all of that about the depression.  It's just a lot harder to pretend everything is OK and put on that happy face when it's worse.  And it is worse today.  Some times it's just there and I can keep it in the background, some times I can't.  That's when the whiny children take over.  You would think that after 40+ years of this I would be better at controlling it, huh?  The strange thing is, I think I dealt with it better when I was younger.  Maybe it's just wearing me down.  Or maybe I am just tired of fighting and let it take over more often.  I don't know.  Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a significant other in my life...they probably would have gotten so tired of me by now that they would have left anyway!

OK, enough of the pity...I shall go pout in the corner alone and let you good people be! 

Just in case you were wondering...

...why in the world I call this Kitty Cats and Crucifixes, well, the credit goes to the wonderful writers of the fantastic show Mike & Molly.  I absolutely adore that show!  And I aspire to be Melissa McCarthy when I grow up!  Anyway, in the 3rd or 4th episode, Mike did something boneheaded and Molly was all grumpy about it and was hinting that they wouldn't be going out anymore.  Her Mom and Sister said they had to get her a man "before she fills this house with kitty cats and crucifixes".  Now, if you know me, you know I have 4 indoor cats and a number of outside cats that vary with the seasons.  I love cats.  I have cat calendars (more than one) and pictures of cats and even a stuffed Ty cat that looks like my Leo.  Someone even asked me not long ago (when they found out I am considering a tattoo) if it would be of a cat. I am a crazy cat lady and I admit it proudly.  What some of you (most of you) probably don't know is, I collect crosses.  It started many years ago at a Christmas ornament exchange party.  I wound up with the most beautiful ornament that was a cross made out of capiz shell painted to look like stained glass.  It has a manger scene on it.  Ever since then, I have been buying cross ornaments every year at Christmas, and now it has branched out to not just ornaments, but free standing crosses and picture frames.  My Mom got me a beautiful stained glass lamp in the shape of a cross for my birthday a couple of years ago.  (I love stained glass also.)  At last count I have about 40 crosses.  So, seeing as I am a single woman, with no boyfriend, and I have kitty cats and lots of crucifixes, that whole scene just seemed to fit.  I really hope Chuck Lorre doesn't mind that I borrowed the phrase.

And in the light of day....

OK, in the light of day, last night's demons don't seem so big.  Isn't that always the way?  I don't take back anything I said, because I do believe everything I wrote.  I just usually manage to keep the door closed on that particular closet. And I certainly don't let those thoughts out.  But my sadness overtook my reason last night and the whiny children took over the playground.  So anyway....

This morning things look much brighter for some reason.  Don't really know why, unless someone out there is praying for me.  There is a song by Chris Rice that I just love called "Smelling Coffee".  I don't drink coffee, but I do like to smell good coffee brewing.  (Sorry, beside the point.)  Anyway, verse number 2 especially appeals to me:

I remember reading Your the God who never sleeps
While I've been dreaming You've been singing over me, yeah
Singing about my freedom, waking me up to hear Your song
Now I can't dance hard enough, 'cause yesterday is gone, gone, gone!

I'm smelling coffee, birds are singing just outside
Here comes Your Mercy, streaming in with the morning light
My heart's racing, waking up to Your Smile
It's a good morning, yeah, yeah, yeah.  Good Morning.

I have always loved Zephaniah 3:17:  "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will REJOICE OVER YOU WITH SINGING." (NIV version, accent obviously mine.)  Now, anyone who knows me knows that singing is like breathing to me, so the thought that God sings over me...ME...blows my mind.  Especially since I know me.  I can't believe that He would take great delight in me, quiet me with His love and REJOICE over ME with singing!!!   WOW!!!!!!!  (Me chief of sinners...and he still does all that!) So you can see why I love this song.  Not just because it's so happy and upbeat but it has such a good message.  So anyway, today is better.  Not great, because the whiny children are still hanging around, but it is better.  And that song always makes me smile regardless of my mood.  Plus, you can't argue with the Word!!  Have a Blessed Day...and remember.. He sings over YOU!!!

I am a single woman

As a single woman, I have come to realize a few things.  What I am about to post does not apply to every single woman of course, but here are some things I have been thinking about lately.  In today's economy, in the industry I work in and the job I do, I will never make enough money to own my own house.  I cannot presently afford to live on my own and have a new car at the same time. Heck, right now I can't afford to live on my own, never mind the new car. I will never be able to quit work and just stay home. I will probably never hear a child call me Mommy, or a husband call me sweetheart.  I don't have anyone to go to sleep with, and no I do not mean sex.  I mean someone to snuggle with, or complain to that they snore, or someone to wake up with in the morning.  I do not have someone to share all the responsibilities of life with.  And before some well meaning person points out that "hey, at least you can come and go as you please without having to report to anyone", that is not true.  I live with my Mother, so yes I have to call and tell her if I won't be home right away or if I want to go away for the weekend.  Also, I do have to share the remote.  She has her show and I have mine, so most of the time I am in my room and she is in the living room.  And no, my cats are not human children, but I still have responsibilities to them and have to make sure they are fed and taken care of.  And they do not have welfare for pets.  I average $700 a year just for cat food alone, never mind if one gets bitten by a spider and has to go to the vet like Leo did this summer.  I do not qualify for ANY form of government help.  I am a single white woman over the age of 40 who has no children.  I am a minority, yet that gets me nothing.  So, think about this next time you are tempted to say you wish you were still single or wished you had never gotten married or had children: there is a woman out here who would give everything to have what you take for granted.  A woman who would love to be woken up at 3:00 in the morning by her child for any reason.  A woman who would love to get ill at her husband because he didn't take the trash out or forgot to put the toilet seat down again or whatever 'boneheaded' thing he did now.  And remember that the only thing that woman ever wanted to be was a wife and mother.  Since kindergarten.  Just a wife and mother.  And think about how bad her heart is breaking tonight.