Fighting Fear 101

Well, haven't been on here in a while, but just felt like "taking pen to paper" tonight.  This weekend is my 25th year High School reunion.  First of all, I can't believe it's been that long, it feels like it was just yesterday.  And 2nd...it amazes me how much has changed, but also stayed the same in the last 25 years.  Now, as regular readers (both of you) and some family members know, I fight the depression battle quite often.  More times than I care to admit, the depression wins.  And with the depression comes a whole host of other issues like insecurity, anxiety, fear and self loathing.  When I first saw the email that was sent about the reunion, I though "Yeah...I'll get to see everyone!"  Immediately followed by, "they don't want to see me..." and "they won't even notice if I don't come."  Then the information and sign up page was emailed.  Something possessed me to say that yes, not only would I go to the reunion, I would RIDE IN THE PARADE!  I will be honest, I struggled with that decision.  I wasn't going to do it.  Then I wanted to. Then I wanted to but was afraid to. All the old "I'm not one of the popular crowd" feelings came rushing back and I felt all the stupid insecurities I have fought all my life creeping in. I have a very bad habit of comparing myself to others.  I'm not as pretty as this person, not a smart as that person, not as funny as this other person, and so on and so on.  And though I really hate to admit it, some of the people I knew would be there still intimidate the heck out of me.  It's not their fault, it's just me and my lack of self esteem. As a matter of fact, the last few reunions and "get-togethers" we have had have been great.  And I have had fun.  And no one has EVER made me feel unwelcome.  Just the opposite.  So why was I so hesitant?  When I woke up this morning and it was raining, a little part of me was glad because that would have been my way out!  A woman I work with had basically bullied me into going to the parade, and when I said something about the weather this morning, she said "no, it's not going to rain all day...you're still going!"  She even threatened to leave work early herself to go to the parade just to make sure I went through with it!  AND I AM SO GLAD SHE DID!!!  I am glad that, for once, I pushed those self doubts and insecurities aside and  listened to the good side of me, the side that can be happy and joyful, but just doesn't get to be in control often enough.  Because I had a blast!  I haven't laughed that hard in way too long! Yeah, at a couple of points I felt a little awkward and had a moment or two of "I don't belong here", but I ignored it and carried on.  Because yes, I do belong there.  I grew up with these people.  And while we may not all be best friends, and I only talk to them at reunions and the occasional get-together, they are still a part of my life.  And if I opened up more, and actually initiated conversation, who knows?  Maybe we could all be closer. And honestly, if I really needed their help, I truly believe that they would give it if at all possible.  I love this group of people.  And if I had been more open in high school, who knows, I might have been a part of all the "old stories" that were being told tonight.  But, I cannot go back and change the past, I can only go on from here.  I'm not saying I'm going to start hanging out with various people every weekend, or taking trips to where some of them live now, but maybe a phone call every so often.  And definitely more emails and messages on FaceBook.  And heck, maybe even a text or IM or two!  I just know that I have spent way to many years not doing things because of fear...and I really don't want to let fear ruin my life anymore.  I caught a small glimpse of how much better things could be if I just opened up more.  And it was great.  So I am going to try to do more things that I really truly at heart want to do, rather than missing out because I am afraid.  Amazing lesson to finally learn at the age of 43, isn't it?  Ambrose Redmoon quotes, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."  Meg Cabot builds on this by adding, "The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. For now, you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be."  Again, lessons I probably should have learned many years ago, but hopefully, better late than never!  At least I'm gonna' give it a try!! (And I REALLY can't wait for tomorrow night!!)

I'm the Living Proof

I watched The Help again tonight for about the tenth time.  I really do like that movie.  I won't get into all the "stuff" here (not to trivialize it...it was a dark time in our nation's history, but that's not what this post is about).  I want to talk about the end credits song "The Living Proof" by Mary J. Blige.  Or, that's the jumping off point anyway.  The first time I heard that song it really struck a chord with me.  Now, I know it was written for the movie and I guess it is supposed to be from the point of view of the oppressed blacks in the 60's especially in Mississippi.  But it has an entirely different meaning for me.

Before I go any further, I need to give some background.  I have really been struggling lately.  My depression has been very bad the last week or so.  I have "up" times and "down" times and some are worse than others.  This has been a particularly bad down time.  Not the worst ever, but not giggles and grins by any means. If you have never dealt with depression, then you really can't understand the overwhelming darkness you can sometimes face.  I know people think you should just be able to "get over it" and sometimes, you kind of can.  But when it's a chemical misfiring in your brain, there isn't much you can do about that except hold on through the ride.  I think this is why I don't like roller coasters...I deal with an emotional one enough that I don't need to have a physical one too!  But anyway, I have tried to explain to people in the past what it feels like.  I don't know that they got it.  But tonight, I saw something a friend posted that makes some sense.  It was written for someone that has pulmonary hypertension.  The feelings expressed though, are so similar to what I feel on an almost daily basis.  I hope she won't mind me sharing it here:

I'm Fighting  by Mary Westberg

I'm Fighting to live
I'm fighting to breathe
I'm fighting each day
To find some relief.

I'm fighting for strength
I'm fighting for breath
I'm fighting for cures
To keep me from death.

I'm fighting my heart
I'm fighting my lungs
I'm fighting to feel
As if I was young.

I'm fighting to fight
It's all that I know
My life's worth the fight
Blow after Blow.

This is seriously how 29 out of 30 days feel for me.  Most people count their bad days, I count my good days.  And most of you have no idea the depth of the hurt and pain I have to carry around every day.  Every Day.  But that's kind of the point.  I think of it as a symptom of my disease...you aren't really supposed to know just how bad it is.  But sometimes, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, much less do anything more than the absolute minimum that is required of me to get through each day.  So when I am ill, or if I snap at you, or I don't want to do anything, it's not because I don't like you or I don't want to be around you or go do things with you.  It's very often because I can't.  I have used up all of my energy just to exist...anything more is too much. And this brings me back to Mary J. Blige and "The Living Proof".  This song gives me hope.  Because I do feel like life has been a hard journey and an uphill climb, but I am still here.  I am the Living Proof.  The living proof that life does go on.  It may not always be what we want or hope for, and some days it's just flat out hard to survive.  And as the song says, "So many don't survive, they just don't make it through".  I have been extremely close to falling off of that edge.  I have been suicidal.  And to be honest, those thoughts are never far from my mind.  I even made a plan once.  But I made a promise to my Mom and my sister that I would never do that.  That promise has saved me, more than once. That and my nieces and nephews.  I want to continue to fight for them.  For all the people in my life that mean so much to me.  The song lyrics are below:

The Living Proof     Mary J. Blige  From The Help

It’s gonna be a long, long journey,

It’s gonna be an up hill climb

It’s gonna be a tough fight,

There’s gonna be some lonely nights

But I’m ready, to carry on.

I’m so glad the worst is over (‘Cause it almost took me out)

I can start living now

Ohh I feel like I can do anything

And finally, I’m not afraid to breathe.

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, Lord, I’m the living proof.

Thinkin’ back life's been painful, yes it was

Took a while to learn how to smile

So now I’m gonna talk to my people

About the storm, oh about the storm

So glad the worst is over (‘Cause it’s all beneath me now)

I can start flyin’ now

My best days are right in front of me

And I’m almost there ‘cause now I’m free

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

I know where I’m going

‘Cause I know where I’ve been

I’m gonna be strong and show it

I must be strong and keep growin’

That’s the way that I win

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So Many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

Nothing ‘bout my life’s been easy

But nothings gonna keep me down

‘cause I know a lot more today

Than I knew yesterday

So I’m ready to carry on

I'm ready to carry on.  Because sometimes that is all I can do...just carry on.  One foot in front of the other. Or sometimes, hand over hand as I crawl, fight and claw my way through the days. Because I am determined, no matter how bad it gets, life will not beat me.  I have a future to look forward to.  I have a home waiting for me in Heaven.  And oh, there are days when I so wish I were already there, but I know my journey here isn't finished yet.  I don't know what I'm doing right now, or where I am supposed to be.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the wilderness, but I know...I KNOW...I will get where I am supposed to be.  Maybe I am only making tracks for others to follow.  Maybe I will someday help others to get out of the wilderness.  I don't know.  But He does.  And I guess, in the end,  that's all that really matters.

So when you see me, and you ask me how I am, just remember...I'm still here, and I'm the Living Proof.

The Leader of The Band

I love Dan Fogelberg's music. (Or as Opus so wonderfully said about him when he found out his girlfriend had a tattoo of his face..."Dan Fogelburb?")  I have always had a soft spot for his soft rock tunes. I have to admit, I only discovered the song "Netherlands" a few years ago when I purchased a "Best Of" CD.  I love it.  Absolutely adore it!  It feels like he was writing about me when he wrote that song.  But I will always have such amazingly fond memories of "Run for the Roses", "Same Old Lang Syne" and of course, "Longer".  If I ever get married, I want "Longer" to be in my wedding in some fashion.  Yes, I grew up on his music and it is such a part of me and the tapestry of my life. All these years later his music still has the power to move me. But the song that probably means the most to me, and has become such a poignant song in the last few years is "Leader of The Band".  While it isn't exactly like my Father's life, there are certain verses that so make me think of Daddy...

The leader of the Band is tired and his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band.

I thank you for the music and your stories of the road
Thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go
I thank you for your kindness and the times when you got tough
But Papa I don't think I said I love you near enough.

I have always liked this song, even before I really understood what it was all about. As I got older, and I came to realize just how much like my Daddy I was, it really had a deeper meaning to me.  No, my dad wasn't a working musician, but he did love music.  He was always whistling or singing snippits of songs or making up his own songs.  I guess I was destined to love music because both sides of my family are musically inclined, but I know his love of music was a big influence on me. So he was the leader of our "band".  And his blood does run though me, though my voice, though my heart and soul...my instrument.  One of the greatest compliments I have ever received was when my Grannie (daddy's Mom) looked at me and said, "Your eyes look just like Junior's".  I do have his eyes.  I have so much of him.  Maybe that's why the past 2 years have been so hard.  I miss him so much more than I ever thought possible.  And as we approach the anniversary of his death, this year is even so much harder than last year was.  Maybe because I haven't really dealt with his death.  I grieved, but I don't know that I have ever really dealt with all of my feelings and emotions.  I am going to start working on that soon.  So, even though I miss the leader of our band, I know he wouldn't want me to continue the way I have been.  I know he would want me to move on and remember the good times and appreciate all the great memories.  And I hope I told him enough just how much I loved him. And still do.  And I KNOW I will see him again one day.  But I miss him every day.  But as the song said, "My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band."  I want him to be proud of me.  I want to live up to his legacy.

I've never been a blue calm sea...

...I've always been a storm.  (Fleetwood Mac)

Sometimes I feel like the storm in my head is going to swamp me.  I wonder if I am ever going to be calm.  Outwardly, everything seems to be fine, like I have no worries or cares and can handle anything.  Inside...the storm blows.  Some days it's only a slight rain shower.  Many days it's a severe thunderstorm.  And then there are those days like today when its a Category 5 hurricane.  I wonder what I look like to people on those days.  Can anyone tell the inner turmoil I am experiencing?  Do I hide it well enough? Does the stress show.  If so, why doesn't anyone try to help?  Can't you hear me screaming??  How can you not?

This is the official "K & C" Automobile...if I ever find it, it will be mine!

Reqrets...I've got a few

I have realized that I should not watch things like the Phantom Of The Opera and Les Miserables 25th anniversary events because they always make me realize just how much I REGRET NOT following my dream to sing on Broadway.  Yes, I wanted to do musical theater.  Big, Bold musical theater (gee, like Phantom and Les Mis.)  I look back at the last 25 years and really wish I could go back in time and talk to the younger me and tell me not to be so damn afraid!!  Because I have lived so very much of my life afraid.  I wanted so many things that now, at 43 seem like they will forever be out of my reach.  I mean, anything is possible, but what are the chances, really, that I would ever get to play Cosette or Eponine or Christine?  Or any other leading female role?  (Well, in all honesty, Christine would always be a stretch because of the operatic nature of that role, but still, I would have loved it!)  And I realize now, that if I don't change, then I will live and die as I am now...alone, lonely, scared and longing for something more.  My heart feels like it's pounding out of my chest and I keep crying off and on because I don't know HOW to change to get to where I have always, desperately, wanted to be.  And if that is supposed to be what I do even.  I want so many things, yet I don't know what I am supposed to do.  Shouldn't I have that figured out by now and be actually doing it?  If customer service is my calling in life, then I should just give up now.  Because if I spend the rest of my life where I am at now, then well, really, I am already dead.  And I DON"T WANT TO BE DEAD!!  I want to live, with at least a little of what I have always wanted...a career I love, a husband and family that I love and that love me and I can give my life to, and HAPPINESS!!!  Is that so much to ask?  Am I being unrealistic?  People do it every day...so what can't I?  Why shouldn't I?  And why can't I hold on to this.....feeling...this passion...that is burning through my veins right now?  Why does life get in the way every time?  Why do I let it?  How do I keep it and use it to propel me to where I truly want to be?  What do I do now?  What do I do?  And how? 

Next time I say I want to watch Phantom or Les Mis, someone stop me.  Or buy me a ticket to New York or London!!

Adventurers...Out of Diesel

I was leaving Wal-Mart the other day and saw, from a distance, 3 people (and a dog) that I thought were possibly homeless or just hungry.  I got the twinge I always get when I see someone begging (especially when they have an animal with them) and I turned around in the parking lot so I could go out by them to give them some money.  (Please know, I do not always do this.  Sometimes I do, but a lot of the time I don't have cash or I don't make a point of going out of my way to take any money to them.)  Anyway, as I got close to them, I could see it was two guys and a girl (and the dog).  They were young, maybe early twenties.  The girl was holding a sign the simply said "Adventurers...Out of Diesel".  I handed them a few dollars and drove on, but something about that sign tugged at my soul.  Adventurers, out of diesel.  Adventurers.  I think it was that word that got to me.  That and the fact that they were honest about why they needed money.  They were driving an old school bus that had been spray painted with slogans and signs that probably made sense to them.  I have to confess, I wanted to go back and ask if I could join them.  I wanted to know where they were going, where they had been and what they hoped to find along the way.  I wanted to take them to eat and spend some time getting to know them.  I did none of that.  I just drove on home, talking to myself the whole way.  But ever since then, I have been so restless inside.  They reminded me of the person I once was.  No, I never took of in an old school bus and begged for money to get gas to power my adventures, but I would have if someone had asked me to.  Long before I had "responsibilities".  Long before I became mired in the muck of every day.  Before life got in the way.  I know I don't have children to support or a mortgage to pay, but my responsibilities do keep me tethered.  I long to cut those tethers and go.  Buy an old RV and pack what I need and my kitty cats and go.  I said, after my Daddy died, knowing all of the things he want to do but never got to do that I would have no excuses anymore.  If I wanted to go do something, I was going to go do it.  But, I find myself making more excuses and sinking deeper into my rut than ever.   I long to be that free.  To not have stuff to worry about, be able to pick up and go whenever and wherever, to be free.  I wonder if I will ever make it?

Several years ago I read received an email from a couple of different people.  I don't know how much of the story is true and how much of it was just made up, but it had a similar effect on me.  The gist of this email was a man saw what looked like a homeless man, but it turned out that he had chosen to travel from place to place, with only what he could carry in his backpack and depending strictly on the kindness of strangers.  He was doing this with a purpose though.  He was spreading the gospel as he went.  He was literally following Matthew 6:25-34.  He was trusting God to take care of all of his needs...shelter, clothing, food...everything.  I wish I had that much Faith.  Heck, not just Faith, but trust.  I guess I don't trust God to really take care of me that way.  I want to, but as the saying goes, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  One day, I am probably going to regret NOT taking a such a leap.  And, honestly, God has never told me to leave everything I own and set out with just a few things in a pack and tell everyone I meet about Him.  But He has told me to tell others about Him, and lately, I haven't even been doing that. And sometimes I wonder if He hasn't told me to go.  Maybe not to that extreme, but to go.  Visit other churches, go out into the less traveled places and tell people.  Actually, I know that He has told me that.  He has told all of us that claim to know Him that we are to go and tell.  I used to.  Again, I let life get in the way.  I have been so wrapped up in me and my hurt and my pain that I haven't been able to see past the end of my nose.  I want to change that.  I intend to try to change that.  And I know it is not through my power that it will change, but strictly through His.  So if I come to mind, please pray.  Hopefully it will mean I am in the process of changing.