I'm the Living Proof

I watched The Help again tonight for about the tenth time.  I really do like that movie.  I won't get into all the "stuff" here (not to trivialize it...it was a dark time in our nation's history, but that's not what this post is about).  I want to talk about the end credits song "The Living Proof" by Mary J. Blige.  Or, that's the jumping off point anyway.  The first time I heard that song it really struck a chord with me.  Now, I know it was written for the movie and I guess it is supposed to be from the point of view of the oppressed blacks in the 60's especially in Mississippi.  But it has an entirely different meaning for me.

Before I go any further, I need to give some background.  I have really been struggling lately.  My depression has been very bad the last week or so.  I have "up" times and "down" times and some are worse than others.  This has been a particularly bad down time.  Not the worst ever, but not giggles and grins by any means. If you have never dealt with depression, then you really can't understand the overwhelming darkness you can sometimes face.  I know people think you should just be able to "get over it" and sometimes, you kind of can.  But when it's a chemical misfiring in your brain, there isn't much you can do about that except hold on through the ride.  I think this is why I don't like roller coasters...I deal with an emotional one enough that I don't need to have a physical one too!  But anyway, I have tried to explain to people in the past what it feels like.  I don't know that they got it.  But tonight, I saw something a friend posted that makes some sense.  It was written for someone that has pulmonary hypertension.  The feelings expressed though, are so similar to what I feel on an almost daily basis.  I hope she won't mind me sharing it here:

I'm Fighting  by Mary Westberg

I'm Fighting to live
I'm fighting to breathe
I'm fighting each day
To find some relief.

I'm fighting for strength
I'm fighting for breath
I'm fighting for cures
To keep me from death.

I'm fighting my heart
I'm fighting my lungs
I'm fighting to feel
As if I was young.

I'm fighting to fight
It's all that I know
My life's worth the fight
Blow after Blow.

This is seriously how 29 out of 30 days feel for me.  Most people count their bad days, I count my good days.  And most of you have no idea the depth of the hurt and pain I have to carry around every day.  Every Day.  But that's kind of the point.  I think of it as a symptom of my disease...you aren't really supposed to know just how bad it is.  But sometimes, it is all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, much less do anything more than the absolute minimum that is required of me to get through each day.  So when I am ill, or if I snap at you, or I don't want to do anything, it's not because I don't like you or I don't want to be around you or go do things with you.  It's very often because I can't.  I have used up all of my energy just to exist...anything more is too much. And this brings me back to Mary J. Blige and "The Living Proof".  This song gives me hope.  Because I do feel like life has been a hard journey and an uphill climb, but I am still here.  I am the Living Proof.  The living proof that life does go on.  It may not always be what we want or hope for, and some days it's just flat out hard to survive.  And as the song says, "So many don't survive, they just don't make it through".  I have been extremely close to falling off of that edge.  I have been suicidal.  And to be honest, those thoughts are never far from my mind.  I even made a plan once.  But I made a promise to my Mom and my sister that I would never do that.  That promise has saved me, more than once. That and my nieces and nephews.  I want to continue to fight for them.  For all the people in my life that mean so much to me.  The song lyrics are below:

The Living Proof     Mary J. Blige  From The Help

It’s gonna be a long, long journey,

It’s gonna be an up hill climb

It’s gonna be a tough fight,

There’s gonna be some lonely nights

But I’m ready, to carry on.

I’m so glad the worst is over (‘Cause it almost took me out)

I can start living now

Ohh I feel like I can do anything

And finally, I’m not afraid to breathe.

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, Lord, I’m the living proof.

Thinkin’ back life's been painful, yes it was

Took a while to learn how to smile

So now I’m gonna talk to my people

About the storm, oh about the storm

So glad the worst is over (‘Cause it’s all beneath me now)

I can start flyin’ now

My best days are right in front of me

And I’m almost there ‘cause now I’m free

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

I know where I’m going

‘Cause I know where I’ve been

I’m gonna be strong and show it

I must be strong and keep growin’

That’s the way that I win

Anything you say to me and anything you do

You can’t deny the truth

‘Cause I’m the living proof

So Many don’t survive, they just don’t make it through

But look at me, I’m the living proof

Nothing ‘bout my life’s been easy

But nothings gonna keep me down

‘cause I know a lot more today

Than I knew yesterday

So I’m ready to carry on

I'm ready to carry on.  Because sometimes that is all I can do...just carry on.  One foot in front of the other. Or sometimes, hand over hand as I crawl, fight and claw my way through the days. Because I am determined, no matter how bad it gets, life will not beat me.  I have a future to look forward to.  I have a home waiting for me in Heaven.  And oh, there are days when I so wish I were already there, but I know my journey here isn't finished yet.  I don't know what I'm doing right now, or where I am supposed to be.  Sometimes I feel like I am lost in the wilderness, but I know...I KNOW...I will get where I am supposed to be.  Maybe I am only making tracks for others to follow.  Maybe I will someday help others to get out of the wilderness.  I don't know.  But He does.  And I guess, in the end,  that's all that really matters.

So when you see me, and you ask me how I am, just remember...I'm still here, and I'm the Living Proof.

The Leader of The Band

I love Dan Fogelberg's music. (Or as Opus so wonderfully said about him when he found out his girlfriend had a tattoo of his face..."Dan Fogelburb?")  I have always had a soft spot for his soft rock tunes. I have to admit, I only discovered the song "Netherlands" a few years ago when I purchased a "Best Of" CD.  I love it.  Absolutely adore it!  It feels like he was writing about me when he wrote that song.  But I will always have such amazingly fond memories of "Run for the Roses", "Same Old Lang Syne" and of course, "Longer".  If I ever get married, I want "Longer" to be in my wedding in some fashion.  Yes, I grew up on his music and it is such a part of me and the tapestry of my life. All these years later his music still has the power to move me. But the song that probably means the most to me, and has become such a poignant song in the last few years is "Leader of The Band".  While it isn't exactly like my Father's life, there are certain verses that so make me think of Daddy...

The leader of the Band is tired and his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul
My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man
I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band.

I thank you for the music and your stories of the road
Thank you for the freedom when it came my time to go
I thank you for your kindness and the times when you got tough
But Papa I don't think I said I love you near enough.

I have always liked this song, even before I really understood what it was all about. As I got older, and I came to realize just how much like my Daddy I was, it really had a deeper meaning to me.  No, my dad wasn't a working musician, but he did love music.  He was always whistling or singing snippits of songs or making up his own songs.  I guess I was destined to love music because both sides of my family are musically inclined, but I know his love of music was a big influence on me. So he was the leader of our "band".  And his blood does run though me, though my voice, though my heart and soul...my instrument.  One of the greatest compliments I have ever received was when my Grannie (daddy's Mom) looked at me and said, "Your eyes look just like Junior's".  I do have his eyes.  I have so much of him.  Maybe that's why the past 2 years have been so hard.  I miss him so much more than I ever thought possible.  And as we approach the anniversary of his death, this year is even so much harder than last year was.  Maybe because I haven't really dealt with his death.  I grieved, but I don't know that I have ever really dealt with all of my feelings and emotions.  I am going to start working on that soon.  So, even though I miss the leader of our band, I know he wouldn't want me to continue the way I have been.  I know he would want me to move on and remember the good times and appreciate all the great memories.  And I hope I told him enough just how much I loved him. And still do.  And I KNOW I will see him again one day.  But I miss him every day.  But as the song said, "My life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, I'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band."  I want him to be proud of me.  I want to live up to his legacy.