Fighting Fear 101

Well, haven't been on here in a while, but just felt like "taking pen to paper" tonight.  This weekend is my 25th year High School reunion.  First of all, I can't believe it's been that long, it feels like it was just yesterday.  And 2nd...it amazes me how much has changed, but also stayed the same in the last 25 years.  Now, as regular readers (both of you) and some family members know, I fight the depression battle quite often.  More times than I care to admit, the depression wins.  And with the depression comes a whole host of other issues like insecurity, anxiety, fear and self loathing.  When I first saw the email that was sent about the reunion, I though "Yeah...I'll get to see everyone!"  Immediately followed by, "they don't want to see me..." and "they won't even notice if I don't come."  Then the information and sign up page was emailed.  Something possessed me to say that yes, not only would I go to the reunion, I would RIDE IN THE PARADE!  I will be honest, I struggled with that decision.  I wasn't going to do it.  Then I wanted to. Then I wanted to but was afraid to. All the old "I'm not one of the popular crowd" feelings came rushing back and I felt all the stupid insecurities I have fought all my life creeping in. I have a very bad habit of comparing myself to others.  I'm not as pretty as this person, not a smart as that person, not as funny as this other person, and so on and so on.  And though I really hate to admit it, some of the people I knew would be there still intimidate the heck out of me.  It's not their fault, it's just me and my lack of self esteem. As a matter of fact, the last few reunions and "get-togethers" we have had have been great.  And I have had fun.  And no one has EVER made me feel unwelcome.  Just the opposite.  So why was I so hesitant?  When I woke up this morning and it was raining, a little part of me was glad because that would have been my way out!  A woman I work with had basically bullied me into going to the parade, and when I said something about the weather this morning, she said "no, it's not going to rain all day...you're still going!"  She even threatened to leave work early herself to go to the parade just to make sure I went through with it!  AND I AM SO GLAD SHE DID!!!  I am glad that, for once, I pushed those self doubts and insecurities aside and  listened to the good side of me, the side that can be happy and joyful, but just doesn't get to be in control often enough.  Because I had a blast!  I haven't laughed that hard in way too long! Yeah, at a couple of points I felt a little awkward and had a moment or two of "I don't belong here", but I ignored it and carried on.  Because yes, I do belong there.  I grew up with these people.  And while we may not all be best friends, and I only talk to them at reunions and the occasional get-together, they are still a part of my life.  And if I opened up more, and actually initiated conversation, who knows?  Maybe we could all be closer. And honestly, if I really needed their help, I truly believe that they would give it if at all possible.  I love this group of people.  And if I had been more open in high school, who knows, I might have been a part of all the "old stories" that were being told tonight.  But, I cannot go back and change the past, I can only go on from here.  I'm not saying I'm going to start hanging out with various people every weekend, or taking trips to where some of them live now, but maybe a phone call every so often.  And definitely more emails and messages on FaceBook.  And heck, maybe even a text or IM or two!  I just know that I have spent way to many years not doing things because of fear...and I really don't want to let fear ruin my life anymore.  I caught a small glimpse of how much better things could be if I just opened up more.  And it was great.  So I am going to try to do more things that I really truly at heart want to do, rather than missing out because I am afraid.  Amazing lesson to finally learn at the age of 43, isn't it?  Ambrose Redmoon quotes, "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear."  Meg Cabot builds on this by adding, "The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. For now, you are traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be."  Again, lessons I probably should have learned many years ago, but hopefully, better late than never!  At least I'm gonna' give it a try!! (And I REALLY can't wait for tomorrow night!!)