Do you know where you were and what you were doing exactly 19 years ago tonight? I do. It isn't my birthday, or wedding anniversary, or a child's birthday...but it was the night before the biggest night of my life. I was working a crappy part time job selling cemetery plots (yes, you read that right) 3 hours a night for very little pay. I had no car, actually, didn't even have my license yet then (didn't get those until I was 26!) had no future plans, was so depressed I was suicidal (sorry Mom...I know you didn't know this part). It was a Monday night. I had made a plan that when I got my pitiful little check that week, I was going to buy as many sleeping pills as I possibly could and end it all. We had been to visit a church just out the road from us the weekend before. I was lost, as alone as I could possibly be and literally at the very end of my rope. 19 years ago tonight was the last night of my old life. Tomorrow, it will be 19 years since I gave my life to Christ.
As I said, we had been to visit a church just out the road from us. A decision that would change all of our lives. Macedonia Baptist in Dawnville, GA. We had just moved to the area, and a couple of different people had told us we should check out this church. So, one Sunday morning, Mom and I did. The pastor at the time was away, so Jimmy Dixon was preaching. He gave his testimony. He told how he had believed he had been saved, and had even been a pastor of a church for 20 years, but had never really had a relationship with Christ. He told how he came to the realization that he had to swallow his pride and make it right, so he did just that one evening in the back room of the Pawn Shop he owned and how his life had never been the same. Evey word he said resonated with me. I felt like he was speaking directly to me. I was having trouble breathing, my heart was pounding and I just wanted it to be over so I could leave! When the alter call was issued, I gripped the back of the pew so tight that I think I left indentations. But I stood my ground! I wasn't about to go up there in front of all of those people and have them judge me or laugh at me. We left, but I carried every word he said with me for that entire week and into the next week. Then, came that Tuesday night, and the weekly visitation. I had been at work, calling people to ask if they had planned for their future burial plans, and thinking of making some of my own. And yes, I get the irony. Mom had picked me up, and when we pulled into the driveway, there was a strange car there. We went in, and Mom went into the living room to greet them. I hung out in the kitchen. I had no desire to see anyone. I did everything I possibly could to avoid going into the living room for as long as I could, but eventually, I had to. When I walked in and sat down, everyone was making small talk and I said something that gave one of the visitors an opening. Donna Hardin looked at me and said, "I'm glad you said that. I have been wanting to talk to you since you came in. Can I share this booklet with you?" It was a tract that explained salvation. Being the polite person that I am, I said sure. She came over and sat beside me and went through that little blue pamphlet step by step. It all made perfect sense.
I am a sinner.
I cannot get to Heaven on my own.
I need someone to build a bridge for me.
Christ died to take my sins and build that bridge.
All I have to do is accept it.
It was so simple. Why had I struggled and resisted and fought against Him for so long? My heart was pounding again, but this time in an excited "hurry up, hurry up, hurry up" kind of way. She asked me if I understood everything we had just read, and I said yes. She then asked the Most. Important. Question. Of. All. "Do you want to pray and receive Jesus tonight?" DID I??? By that time, I was ready to run full out and jump into his arms!!! The scales had fallen away and I knew I needed HIM! She led me in the sweetest, simplest prayer, and I FELT the weight I had been carrying lift off of my shoulders. I am serious. I literally felt it leave. I never knew how oppressed and weighed down I really was until that moment. Jesus Christ saved me. Heart, soul, mind and body. I was planning on killing myself that very week. I 100% believe this was my last chance, and if I had passed it up, I would not be here now, I would be burning in the pit of hell, weeping, wailing and gnashing my teeth, because I would KNOW what I had passed up. Am I worthy? No. Am I worthy through Christ? Absolutely!! And I can never, ever thank Him enough.
Now...19 years later...I am not what I should be. I am not even what I was at one point. I have let the world come in and push and pull me in different directions. I still struggle with depression, and I still think about suicide, and have even been hospitalized once for it. I WILL NOT do it though. I promised my Mom and my sister that I would never put them through that, and I won't. I may not be the strongest person on earth, and I may not always finish what I start, but that is one promise I intend to keep. I stumble, I fall, but I still get up. I don't always show the world the best example of what a Christian "should" be, but I am trying my best to show them the best example of what a real Christian is...someone who isn't perfect, but keeps on trying. I know He loves me and wants the best for me. I know I am saved through His Grace and that I will go to Heaven when I leave this earth behind. I will get to see all the friends and family that have gone on before, and most important, I will get to worship before The Throne!!! I will get to lay my crowns at His feet, and walk the streets of gold, and sing praises to His name. I have a future, no matter how lost I may sometimes seem in this life. And no matter what, He still hold me in the palm of His hand and no man can snatch me out!! I still have a Mansion Builder...and He's not through with me yet!!!
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