I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot...

...but sometimes I wish for more, than I've got...What about me??

That's a line from the song "What About Me" from the late 80's by the band Moving Pictures.  I have always loved that song.  I guess because in so many ways it fits me.  I really like this stanza in particular:

Now were standing on the corner of a world gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got

What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough now I want my share.
Can't you see, I wanna live
But you just take more than you give.

And the 'you' in that line is life, in my opinion.  I know, I have it really good compared to many people.  But man I am so ready for my turn.  I took a personality test yesterday on some website I was on (I can't even remember which one it was now) and it told me that my personality type was "The Performer".  The description said that "you crave the spotlight".  I never really thought of myself that way, but the more I have thought about that particular phrase, the more I think maybe, in a way, that is true. I do want to be the center of attention...SOMEONE'S ATTENTION. I don't need to be the center of attention all the time.  I have never tried to be "the life of the party".  But I have always craved being someone's center.  I have never felt special.  If my Mom or anyone else in my family reads this, they will probably think I am crazy, but I haven't.  I want someone to look at me like I mean the world to them.  Let me re-phrase that, I want a man, the right man, the man God has planned for me, to look at me like I am...it.  The end all be all.  Like I hung the moon.  And before you burn up the message boards with comments, I KNOW I have to love myself, and not depend on a man to make me happy.  That's not what I'm saying.  But just once, I want to feel like whether I live or die matters to someone outside of my family.  Like I matter.  Because so much of the time I don't feel like I do.  And I know that I do matter to Jesus.  I know HE chose to die for me because I do matter so much to Him.  But as the saying goes:  I'd like to have Jesus with some skin on.  I am tired of being alone.  Tired of wanting that other half to come along.  Just tired.  Not physically.  Mentally, emotionally...so very tired of fighting.  And I do feel like every day is a fight and always has been.  Some of you know this about me, some of you don't, but I have dealt with depression all of my life.  I remember being six years old and knowing something about the way I felt just wasn't right.  I am always a little sad.  There is just a pervasive mood of sadness in my life.  I can be happy and feel joy, but the sadness never completely goes away.  I have learned recently that this is called "atypical depression".  And it is more common than the name suggests.  So the constant fight to just get up and go is getting very draining.  I would like to have a "haven of rest, a safe place to land, a shelter from the storm...yada, yada, yada..."  I know...the whiny children have taken over the playground again.  Can't ever keep 'em away for too long.  Anyway...as I said, "the performer".  I have been hiding the depths of my depression pretty well from most people for most of my life.  Maybe that is why I like the comedy/tragedy masks so much...on the outside I try to smile, but inside I am often crying.  I know, it's so cliche...but cliche's are cliche's for a reason.

Not real sure why I included all of that about the depression.  It's just a lot harder to pretend everything is OK and put on that happy face when it's worse.  And it is worse today.  Some times it's just there and I can keep it in the background, some times I can't.  That's when the whiny children take over.  You would think that after 40+ years of this I would be better at controlling it, huh?  The strange thing is, I think I dealt with it better when I was younger.  Maybe it's just wearing me down.  Or maybe I am just tired of fighting and let it take over more often.  I don't know.  Maybe it's a good thing I don't have a significant other in my life...they probably would have gotten so tired of me by now that they would have left anyway!

OK, enough of the pity...I shall go pout in the corner alone and let you good people be!